I Use to Like Women; I Was Never Straight.

Ian Haddock
Sep 3, 2015
4 min read

I can honestly admit: I get more glances, hugs and love from heterosexual women than homosexual men. When I go around straight people, dudes look at me in awe the way women draw to me. It is sad because I don't even play the game like I use to in the past and get their number; I simply tell them, "I'm gay ma'am."

It never fails: after they hear that, either the women or the dudes I'm around always ask me why I won't talk to women. My aunt even tells me that all the things I go through dating men would be "easier" if I dated women. I could simply answer this and say I am just not naturally attracted to women and you would think that would be enough, but before all kind of rape, demonic or psychological excuses or explanations come up, let me go deeper.

First, I would like to say that I don't speak for the gay community in this. Still, I think there are many of us who feel the same way.

I dated a lot of women in my younger years (they have predominately became lesbians), but nothing really made it feel natural.

The most significant woman I dated was a girl from church in my hometown. She was beautiful to me. We started dating when I was in 8th grade and she was a sophomore. I had always been physically attracted to her chocolate skin, beautiful breasts and I adored the way she dressed. She was best friends with my kid crush (a girl) who thought I was the "ugliest lil alien that always smelled musty" (my grandma used a lot of onions when she cooked Sunday dinner... Lol). Anyway, we experienced some of the best times of my childhood with her during the 3 years we dated.

From finally being able to have company over my house to church trips to Sunday dinners with our family to school lunch once I moved to high school, she was my girl. I use to love to suck on her breasts, kiss her and cake on the phone all night. I had intercourse with several women before but it was more of a dare or me trying out marijuana or liquor in my youth and then afterward things would move towards intercourse-- nothing conscious. Well, one day while with her alone at her house, we decided we would go all the way-- completely sober.

She took off her bra and pulled out her breasts and I went in. I can honestly say, to some extent, I'm still a breast man. She moaned as I took off her underwear and I actually soberly had a glimpse of what looked like an open wound, and mentally I freaked out. Lol. It was shaved perfectly, nice smell, pretty, but I'll never forget that feeling. It was disgusting to me. Though I loved this young lady, I wasn't sexually attracted to her.

Not much time later, I had my first experience with a man. That went much different and it was all my subconscious had ever dreamed of.

Although sexuality is not based on sex, that was a much (MUCH, MUCH, MUCH) smoother process. As these experiences continued, I continued to date this young lady. After awhile, I figured out my feelings for this young lady wasn't natural at all, but forced. Forced because of opinion, forced because of my concept of religion, forced because of normalcy, forced because of dishonesty.

We broke up because she found out that there was a notable person at school I was having sex with and people found out and told her. I was, and am, very sorry that was how it went. Still, a piece of me was happy that I was able to get out. I never expected for her to be my friend-- and I rarely get a "Hey" when I see her-- but it was enough of a clean ending for me to start over in honesty with myself.

I can remember going on dates and coming on to many women because i was embarassed by the truth I knew. I wanted to be popular, cool and normal like everyone else. It was hard knowing that in the back of my mind I was commenting on a woman's ass because it popped when she danced and helping out my homeboy on the football team with school work because I was attracted to him in a more than agape type of way.

Going back to this thought of sexuality: we can argue that if you have sex with a man, you're gay. In my opinion, it's much more than that. With a man, I feel complete. I feel as if I am able to grow, be groomed and assist with the same for him. I see future. I see life long. I see family.

I was never straight. Yes, people have been molested, raped or fondled and, although that may have been a tramautic experience, it can not "make" you gay. People like what they like. Some of us like the opposite sex, some of us like the same. For me, it was about what came natural. I spent a good part of my life swimming against the current; swimming with it makes it so much easier.

I can only wish that people can find that same peace in their life-- whatever it may be.