Black and White: Why are Black Gay Celebrities only Dating Other Races?

You know, my journey to being an openly gay black man has been eventful. From coming out to my school over a high profile event to telling my mom because of that high profile event to my church finding out to moving out and stripping for some time and being a couchsurfing sex addict- it has definitely been a journey.

As I am starting to get closer to that 30 year old mark, I find myself looking towards the future hoping that I will find a partner to be in a lifelong relationship and still looking back at my past experiences and understanding why I wasn't ready for that type of commitment before.

The more I start to consider what dating looks like for a guy like me, I start to garner new friendships with people who are in relationships. Granted: gay relationships are some of the most unique, eccentric relationships I have ever been around. Most of them are open-- whether that's on purpose, accident, secret, or sneakily. Others are a bit dysfunctional. Some are in love, but call themselves "roommates" because of society. Still though, I want to be able to create my own existence of love that will allow me to have someone to lean on and uphold for the rest of my life.

For the most part, most of the elders in my family are/ were married: my grandparents were married 55+ years and my aunts and uncles are married anywhere from 10-25 years. So, I do have a lot of knowledge and examples with relationships. But being gay is, well, different.

In the past 10 years or so, being gay has become "cool". Gay men seem to be coming out everywhere-- well white gay men-- and in a lot of ways, it makes me happy to see us being represented not only socially, but in different arenas including Hollywood, Broadway, Music and the list goes on. They come out and before long, you see their partners and family and I'm always like "Yesssss. Kids. Cars. House. Partner. My life." But... Most of them are White.

I want to make sure I'm clear: I don't dislike White people. But like other gay men have idols: Carson Kressly for the fashionistas, Neil Patrick Harris for the actors, Elton John for the singers and philanthropists and Ricky Martin, Lance Bass, Adam Lambert and the list goes on.. and on.. and on, who do I have that looks like and represents me in the celebrity world as a Black, Gay Man? My pickings are pretty slim, but there are a few. Let me see: there's Don Lemon, Jason Collins, Shaun T, Michael Sam and Daryl Stephens.

At least at some point the gay men that are in their late teens early 20's have some people that they can readily look up and read about. Fortunately, at my age I did pretty well with learning how to navigate my gayness being that I grew up with older and mature gay mentors and friends. What I-- along with almost all of my friends, acquaintances and associates-- have issues with is how to have a worthwhile, intimate, long term relationship that is potentially monogamous, happy, prosperous, future focused and not super heteronormative. Most of those people in pop culture, as I said before, are partnered but who represents me?

My preference is Black/ Latino men from African descent. There are a few people in my community in relationships, but none are really the "type" of relationship I want to have. On the other hand, what is presented to me by pop culture I can relate to?

I was watching Oprah's Interview with Neil Patrick Harris and David Burthka and was like: this is it!! I finally have found some semblance of a relationship that I like. Then, I was like if I could just find someone in my culture, I won't be so hopeless. After all, my community is filled with beautiful, sexy Black men so there had to be some hope in finding representation in the media.

Then, I saw something interesting. Check these pictures out:

Don Lemon and his Partner

Shaun T and his Partner

Darryl Stephens and his Partner

Michael Sam and his Partner

Every picture I found of an Openly Gay Black Man, I found had an interracial partnership. By the way, I don't count Milan and whats-his-name from Love and Hip Hop even though that was as close to a Black-on-Black relationship in the media.

Is this kinda thing okay? Are we only subjected to be in a successful relationship as successful men if we date outside of our race-- or go white?

I think it is interesting that as we create Black, Gay Pop culture, we are either "out and closeted" like Frank Ocean who opened up to being Bisexual, but since then hasn't said much-- if anything-- about it and Jussie Smollett who seems to be doing more hurt in his character on Empire as he flips his gay switch on and off or, on the opposite end, we are in an interracial relationship. I don't get it. I'm not saying that we shouldn't be inclusive of other races when seeking out our soulmate but to be practically or seemingly exclusive of your own race is absolutely idiotic to me.

Yeah, I understand it's hard being black and gay in the public. Our whole culture is built around some sense of masculinity, protection and strength. Procreation for a black man is characterized subconsciously by our culture as a fetish of big dicks. The Prison Industrial Complex along with shit like HIV Criminalization place us in a box of disease ridden criminals. All of our life "white" has been right: speaking "white", dressing "white", eating "white"-- you know? So, I get it.

I'm not saying that these people are dating other races from internalized racism, but I'm saying damn is no one dating a Black man whose race is also Black-- successfully? I know we can't be that difficult, dysfunctional or disgusted by the beautiful melanin in our skin, builds of our bodies, depth of our intellect and passionate intimacy that we can't create that with someone with the same pigment in our skin.

It also makes me wonder if the truth of the matter is we don't know how to formulate a successful relationship because we have no example. Hmmm...

Forgive me for my search for an answer. What's your thoughts? Is interracial dating the way to go? How do you feel about it? I want to hear it. Either comment below or email me at ianhaddock@thenormalanomaly.com

-The Normal Anomaly

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