I'm always in and out of Relationships: Why I'm Grateful for my Serial Monogamy

I can remember being so infatuated with the thought of being in a long term relationship. Being brought up around an older generation, you saw two very different perspectives in terms of relationships: you are either bitter because of past hurt or have embodied some sense of a relationship and seemingly happy. Every time I could think about it, I wanted to be closer to the people in a relationship and continue to run away from any sense of bitterness. I've always been secretly in love with love.

I actually made my first interaction with some of my mentors in this respect through my first actual relationship. I can remember being driven to Houston by a close friend to meet this dude in person, him opening the door and immediately my heart fluttering. We were both young, even though he was older than me, and he sent me through every loop, turn and dead end I could have ever imagined. Though this relationship was extremely tumultuous, it taught me a lot of what I did not want in a relationship. From being so infatuated I was willing to be recorded sexually on video to moving to a city instead of going off to college, I was devoted to this semblance of a relationship that wasn't really a relationship at all. We lasted-- if you can call it that-- for about 2 years when he made the decision that he wanted a "real" relationship with someone more established.

My second relationship was with someone who I identified with because we were both finding ourselves. It all started on a drunk night dancing at the afterhours; he ended up in my friend's bed of which I was sleeping and the sex was absolutely spectacular. We both got our first apartment together and he introduced me to checkwriting and escorting (two ways men can attain money from illegal activities in order to live the life they want). After I started to feel like he spent too much time in the streets, we ended up broken up, evicted, and in seperate relationships after 2 years.

Thereafter, my rebound who I was also a rebound for-- who happened to be the true interpretation of "ride or die"-- entered. Everyone knew that wouldn't work, but we tried to make it happen. We lasted for about a year and a half until we both got over our exes.

Then came my knight in shining armour. This guy was as close to perfect as they can come: attentive, giving, loving, sexy, caring-- the total package. From trips a couple hours away to see each other to church services every Sunday, things were good. That is until I started to see signs he was doing some of the things that my past partners did. Here came the fist fights, arguments in public, cheating and sneaking around. Although we tried to stick it out, he left me after about 3 and a half years. This one took a longer time than normal to get over so for a while , I just chilled out.

Probably should have waited a little longer. I started dating my first boyfriend's new ex-boyfriend. Yes, you read that right. Sounds like a mess already. It was definitely a mess; from us both sleeping with our ex (who happened to be the same person) to STD scares to breaking up just to make up, all the signs were there for it not to work. Still, I'm a rebel and believed I could change the environment and make it work. I could really go into detail about this one but then I would end up missing my upcoming point. All that is important is for 4 years we wasted time trying to make something work that was never supposed to.

I don't say that any one of these dudes are bad dudes; we were just not good for each other. The hard part was that balance of wanting a relationship in the future and slowly feeling as if I was becoming bitter because of past circumstances. All of those relationships were pretty lengthy for a person in this community, but they didn't work. I wanted a fail-safe plan to make sure I got into a relationship that both lasted and was good for me. I said to myself, "If it don't work, leave. It's better to hurt a little now versus a lot later."

Since I have gotten back on the dating scene in the last year or so, I have been really concerned with how quickly things end for me. I sometimes sit and think about how I can date someone for a few weeks or, at most, a couple (2) months, and just completely walk away. Have I become this bitter older dude that I promised myself I would never be? Am I so scared of being hurt that I'm not open to love? Have I become so calloused in single-ship that I am not willing to deal with issues that come up in a relationship?

Over time, I have become so grateful that I now have the gift of discernment and enough balls to be able to walk away from things that are not right for me. We spend a lot of wasted time with people because they are good people, but just because one is a good person doesn't mean they are good for you. It is really a sound truth that if you continue going in circles with the wrong person, you could miss the right one.

I am still fully in love with the idea of love. I am still working on not being too impulsive on what "won't work". On the other hand, when I fall this time, I plan on it being the best thing that could ever happen. There will obviously be some sense of dysfunction, hurt on some level is inevitable, problems arise between two people who are emotionally attached, happiness is a fleeting emotion as is everything else but it will be worth it. I won't be blinded by rose colored shades or hiding behind excuses for attachment. It will just fit.

And so, if I have to open myself up to 50 more men for weeks or months at a time and turn and walk away with my heart and brain fighting each other, or return to sleep in my queen size bed that will now be cold on one side, or return to the bar by myself until the moment I find him: that's what I'll do.

-The Normal Anomaly