Loving the sinner, And hating the sin: a guide to self-loathing​ and repression.

Growing up as a young woman ( in a male physical form), I have always loved church. I was an avid participant in the events, I was a leading alto in the teen choir and I spent 5 out of 7days a week there. Most of my beliefs centered around what was taught to me. I believed that we were born in sin, and shaped in iniquity. I believed that every 'unrepented' sin was a tally mark towards hell, and that I would most likely be on my way there if I couldn't stop dreaming about marriage with Victor. Lol

See, for the longest time, I wholeheartedly believed that I was a disgusting deviant, that I should be ashamed of myself for letting satan use me like that. I'm not sure if it was the beatdowns I received behind wearing mom's lipgloss, or being bludgeoned over the head with household items. Maybe it was being told that I was a sissy, faggot, and would never be a girl. Somewhere in between, though, I had made up in my mind that I was nasty, and trifling, and flat out unloved. Now, I know I'm not the only one, but it sure felt that way. I had no idea that I'd be the woman I am today, because I was always contemplating suicide.

It was only in later years of self searching, and understanding that I found out a couple of things that I feel were essential to my progress:

1. I will never love or be loved fully if I believed I was repulsive for existing.

The idea that we should "love the sinner, but hate the sin" has more holes in it than swiss cheese. I mean.. How do I love me and still hate.... me? Moreover, how would I expect someone to love me? I didn't ask for a male body, I was issued one. To tell me that who I am, on a cellular level is a SIN just wont do.

2. Breeding self-hate is contradictory to the love that the church speaks of.

The idea that I should hate me, but you love me makes no sense. This unconditional love that you claim to have for me, why shouldn't I have it for me, and all of me. It almost sounds like I should break myself down, so that you could build me up. And isnt that what cult leaders and slave masters do?

3. Love is the essence of life, and to not fully love myself is to not live to to my fullest ability.

When you tell me I shouldn't love my sinful, sinful self, you tell me I am unworthy of love from me or anyone else. That I am to live life under the foolish idea that I am a waste of space. There is no way I can live life as life fully intends if I cannot love wholly. Love begets life, and to not have self love is to never know a full, vibrant, and truly meaningful life.

All I'm saying is this: when you choose not to fully love yourself, you close up so many of the right doors and open so many of the wrong ones. Choose to love fully, and live your lives in love.

Muah, Phoebe VanCleefe

Phoebe Vancleefe is a contributing writer to The Normal Anomaly who is becoming a Subject Matter Expert in Young, Black, Transwomen Issues. She enjoys dancing, hanging with friends, reading and writing. You can find her on Facebook at Pheobe Vancleefe.